What makes something simple seem like the world is going to crash in around you?

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the new year. It wasn't until just after the first and my birthday, which is on the fifth of January, that I began to realize that having back surgery could have done more harm than good. Ironically it was on my birthday that I had my first appointment with my surgeon since the procedure. I like the way that sounds, people don't have surgeries anymore, and the last time I heard the word operation was on TV or someone talking about that game, either way, that term seems to have been used so much that it has gone the way of cheap polyester suits.

It makes you wonder why we even call surgeons, surgeons when all they seem to do any more is one procedure after the other. Just as many doctors have become over paid Rn's, or Rn's should be doctors. I think my new word for 2010 is going to be proceedoralist. I am not normally this skeptical of Dr.'s, but mine is either so confident or just doesn't care how tight his schedule is. Please don't get me wrong, my psychiatrist will stay late and make sure everyone of his patients is seen on the day of their appointment. However, if one of his patients needs him, he will make sure that they receive the proper amount of time you need, and his staff is very good about keeping you updated on what's going on. Of course there may be some days you don't need the extra time and he seems to have a real talent for keeping things in balance.

Whereas on the morning of my procedure, my Dr. forgot all about coming into the little room where the Dr. can meet with your family and brief them on how things went, and when and where they can go once you're out of the recovery room. Not only did he just go from working on me, to going on to his next procedure, by the time my family found out what room I would be staying in, I was still in recovery and my side of the room was a mess. I guess the nurses were never informed that I was being admitted. Apparently the patient and his wife that had had that room to themselves didn't know either, which made for an even more awkward situation.

By the time I got settled in and had been listening in on the conversation going on around me, I started to realize I was going to be in for a long night. The man who lay in the bed across from me was battling cancer, and his wife was a real inspiration to humanity. Here she was not taller than five feet, yet she had already had a heart attack, had stints put in her main arteries, broken bones in her hand and her ankle, and even quit smoking after 50 plus years. Now she was taking care of her dieing husband, at the same time she lived on three acres of land, most of which had to be cut with a riding mower. She told us how she started her gas engine blower by putting it in a vice and from underneath, she was able to pull the cord to start the blasted thing.

So when the little things start to take a hold of me, I will think of her and the others like her. The worst of all though, and this is one I have no one to look to for inspiration, and that is when I think of what will my life be like when I'm the one lying in the bed as an adult baby that can no longer do anything for myself. It is bad enough that I could be looking at having permanent damage to my left foot. Or that when it comes to me and finding any kind of meaningful relationship. Then when you try and concentrate on a simple task like making it to your physical therapy on time, and you can't even do that, which is actually quite important, you can't help but see the world crashing in upon you. Yet some how you never stop looking for that silver lining. If not, there would be no point in writing in this blog.

First Day After Back Treatmeant.

On Thursday Dec the 3rd I went to the hospital for an outpatient procedure where I was given several shots in my lower back in order to ease the chronic pain I have been having for close to a year now. I know there's some fancy medical terminology for the procedure I had, but it's easier for me to just explain what they did. Besides if you have never had this done then me telling you some medical mumbo jumbo would be as effective as someone trying to talk to me in any language besides English. Which in its self is a said thing to admit to, but that's a whole other discussion.

Anyway, the idea behind giving me these, what I believe are called targeted shots. That is the Dr. first looks at an MRI of my back and then decides where he's going to try and inject some kind of steroid, I believe they use cortisone, in what he claims to be key areas of my back in order to see if it will have any kind of affect on the pain in my back. Of course I didn't think about it at the time, but I soon realized that while I was ling on my back, the thought entered my mind, how exactly was he going to know where to put that needle. Well it turns out that there is this rather large x-ray machine hanging over my back and this was his means of guiding the needle into the various places that he shot the cortisone into my lower back.

Well the procedure was only about two to three minutes long, however; once the pain medication kicked in, which wasn't until about thirty minutes after the procedure, did I fall into my bed and slept for nearly the rest of the day. Even though the I was dead to the world, the pain from the shots slowly began to make their way to my conscious mind. Which at first it wasn't so bad, but by the middle of last night or early this morning my entire back was so sore I didn't think I would make it through the night.

Well as it is going on twenty minutes past 10:00 am CST USA, I am finding it quite difficult to write this, which is frustrating because I wanted to talk more about what led me to even seeing an orthopedic surgeon in the first place. Anyway I hope that as the days go on I will be able to finish my writing and post more information on how things turn out. I also want to continue with my writings about my headache and discuss more about my feelings and thoughts on mental issues. And maybe even talk about some more positive things, however, at this moment I am about to pass out from the pain, or at least try and find a more comfortable position to be in. If anyone cares to share their stories on this subject, or have any suggestions as to what might have worked for your back pain, please leave a comment and I'll try to get back with anyone that does or just has a question as soon as I can.

MyLot New Blog Site Plus New Name and Topic.

I found a new site called MyLot, some of you may have heard of it. I was looking for a place where I could write a new blog specifically on my knowledge of mental illness and how it affects you and the people in your life. So if anyone is interested in reading about my experiences with bipolar and mental illness in general I will be writing under the name, or title, UpDownAndallAround. Just click on this link Bobby's Bipolar Life and it should take you to where my new blog is. Of course it may take a few days for me to post something, so please give me a few days and I'll have a nice long post to start things off with. I also want to point out that I do have a Twitter acct. but I just haven't had a chance to get it posted. My twitter ID is arachnidlover which I will have a widget up here pretty soon to cover that but feel free to add me and I'll add you back, just let me know about your status here at Blogger World, and you can also see me profile at MyBlogLog also. Well Just so you know, I won't be totally alone while writing my new blog. I will always have my good buds the looney toons to keep me thinking positive thoughts. My favorite character is Marvin the Martin. I especially love to watch the cartoon series with Donald Duck and Porky the Pig called Duck Dodgers where and they are always getting into it with my good friend Marvin and his faithful pet dog, who is aptly named, K9.

Taking It All In Stride

I wish I could say that everything in my life was as well off as I had hoped it to be just a few months past. I also wish that I was writing about next years trip to San Diego and all the great times I had to look forward to. Unfortunately life has thrown an obstacle before me that I can't just push aside like a pebble under toe. It is more like an earthquake has shaken the foundation of my being and I'm surrounded by the fallen stones from an ancient metropolitan city. I have all the basic need of human existence to get me by and a few modern conveniences as well.

The problem isn't whether I can keep the elements off my fragile human existence, nor am I afraid of what goes bump in the night. What scares me the most is how life is going on around me and for some unknown reason I'm taking it all in stride. The person for whom I've known all my life is looking back at himself and wondering what happened to the man walking into the dismal, lifeless state of melancholy. Why hasn't the light begun to dim and the walls built up around me. Where are the single minded thoughts, the fight to make things right in the world.

Is it possible that I have come to the fork in the road where I know by now that all storms come and go. Or is this where I realize a storm is forever on the horizon. Or is the point in my life where I decide what is worth fighting for and what is better left alone. Is this when I look at today instead of tomorrow and leave the flights of fancy to the young at heart and concentrate on what it takes to get from point a to b to c without wondering off to points x,y and z?

What is CBT?

I recently watched a video on how to be a better fighter last night. Actually it was more like early this morning, I had one of those sleepless nights that I really didn't need but at least this time it was more productive and informative then the many times before. I can not say for sure that it is a sign that I am in a manic cycle or rapid cycling, which would be much worse, however; what it did remind me of was something I learned some time ago, something that I can honestly say saved my life. What I am talking about is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

Primarily used to treat people with depression and other chemical imbalanced disorders, CBT is in my opinion the most effective tool anyone can learn to use to make them a better person and a happier one, too. However I also believe that cognitive behavioral therapy in my opinion is incorrectly named. What I mean by that is if you look at how the word therapy is viewed by most people, then you would think that only a person with a title or credentials can teach or be learned by, however; that is not entirely true, in fact there is a book titled, "The Idiots Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" that anyone who can read and takes the time to practice the tools that the book outlines in a simplistic yet structured way, then I would hypothesize instead of using the word therapy, it would be more logical to name it, Cognitive Behavioral Awareness.

The basis for my reasoning is that once you learn how the tools and theory behind CBT works, then it becomes a way of life. In theory at the least and possibly in reality, once a person uses what they have learned, they become a different person all together. Or more so they're personality will change to the point that anyone who knows them will see behavioral changes that will have many tangible affects. You may lose people you thought were your friends, but in reality were enabling in some form or fashion, while in all likelihood for every bad person in you're live you will meet or even change twice the number you had before. Now I can not say this is what will happen, I lost my marriage and although I eventually did make new friends, I can not say that is quit the same as it was before moving to where I live now. Of course this is my own doing and I do have more friends now than when I first moved here, and now that I am in school I am making new friends. However with my illness and current physical problems, I can contest that I am not an easy person to get close to.

So what is this CBT? First off it is not your normal therapy where you go to a shrink and talk about your feelings. It is actually quite the opposite. For one, it is a way of life that you must learn, which means you must un-learn your old ways in order for it to work. The first thing you learn is that you have boundaries, kind of like invisible walls that are there to protect you. It's not that you don't know about them, it's really more about understanding how to set them and keep them in place 24/7. Now there are too many tools and techniques for me to put in a single blog, e. g. that's where the therapist or a book come into play. Yes I did say therapist, contrary to what I previously said some people need a trained therapist that can teach you and there are group therapist that are just affective. Even if you were to buy a book on the subject i.e. the Dummies Guide or some other book that is a how to, but not an academic book, that would only bore you and most likely confuse you. No the academic books are for the therapist who first learn the theory, then they have to intern with someone until they get to the point where they can fly solo. Just like every other field some are better than others, so make sure you get one that is able to teach you even if you don't like them. The point of learning CBT is to learn that you are responsible for how others treat you, as well as how you should treat others. Yes I know it sounds absurd that you have the ability to control how you are being treated but it is the truth and essential, because the other side of that coin is how you treat people.

Think of it this way. Say your a woman and a man gets within a meter which is a little over three feet, at what point were you aware of his presence? And for that matter it really doesn't matter if your woman and the other person is a man or a woman and visa versa, the point is how are you going to treat them within the first boundary of physical space. Because how you treat them will determine more that half of the way they will treat you. And every second thereafter will be the difference in a positive encounter or a negative one. This applies even more so to those you know. If your significant other walks into the room with a look that you know is going to lead into some kind of fight or negative energy, how do you react to diffuse the situation to a comfortable level? Well there are many tools you can use in this situation, some are common and some will be unique the person and your relationship. It could be as simple as "hello love, you look upset, lets sit down and talk about it over a cup of coffee", or something along those lines. What you did there was show empathy and a willingness to talk or even just listen. There are certain rules that work with some people and others for the rest. The idea is that you learn to become aware of your own self and how you react or what your triggers are, also known as cognitive awareness. The more you learn about yourself the more you learn about other people, which is also known as behavioral awareness. Put the two together and over time you will find life is a little easier than it was.

I hope this post was as helpful for anyone who reads if. I know it has helped me realize that I haven't been tuned into my CB skills as of late, which for me can be a dangerous thing. I would like to hear any thoughts on what you thought about what I wrote and would anyone be interested in me writing a blog on bipolar disorder and how it has affected my life and the lives of my family and friends.

PS I would like to thank Julia, Meghan, and Mary from TMI weekly and their guest Sarah Harrison from Tango.com for inspiring me to write this, and as a courtesy I am adding a link to the video, so please take the time and watch the video that inspired this post. Thank you.

TMI weekly How to Fight Better

RE-Less Than Two Weeks Until Comic Con 2009

Liefs been a bit of a whirlwind as of late so the documentary on ComicCon has been put on the back burner. I will be sending out some raw footage to people that have asked, I had really wanted to tweak it up a bit so it looks and sounds its best. I do know that some of the people I'll be sending it to can do that sort of work themselves, maybe better than me.

As far as when I'll get a chance to work on it as a whole, I think my best chance is in-between Fall and Spring semesters. Read my previous post and it's quite clear why things have been so topsy turvy. Hopefully I'll post a small clip in the near future to this blog. Or perhaps a slide show some still images.

I never thought I would have these feelings.

I must do a little background about myself for this entry to make sense. Imagine you are in school, it doesn't matter what year or the subject matter, all that matters to you is when will this ever end. Ever since you were a child you gave whomever was responsible for you a never ending battle in getting you to school and another one when it came time to do your homework. It wasn't that you couldn't learn, in reality, most of your friends that spent many long hours studying and trying to get the highest possible grades they could get. Whereas you could spend half that time studying and get the highest grades if you wanted to, however; you only put in just enough time to get a passing grade, with the exception of certain topics which came so easy to you, that you could rest assured that your grades would always be in the 95%-100 % range.

Now several years have gone buy and I find myself back in school. At first I take a single class just to get back in the swing of things. Then it's summer and I decide to take a class in a subject that I know enough about, that even though it's a 4 week class I decide to take it anyway. And I am happy to say that both of my grades turn out to be A's, so come this Fall Semester I decide it's time to take on a full load. Now on paper it says I am taking a total of 14 credit hours, 12 - 15 is considered full time, however, the way in which my schedule works is a bit wonkers. Mondays and Wednesdays are my full term classes, first class starts 08:00 - 12:30, and my second class meets at 19:00 - 20:15. On Thursdays I only have one class which begins at 16:00 - 22:30. This is a mini term class, or half semester, which is about 8 weeks, then my second mini term will start on the 13th of October.

I hope this demonstrates that my feelings towards school have changed. So much so one would be correct in saying that I've had a complete turnabout. No longer do I dread the idea of going to school, even on those Wednesday mornings when the night before I might have only had a few hours sleep. The way I feel right now is something I never thought I would ever feel. The idea of me not getting better than passing grades terrifies me. I have never studied like this in my entire scholastic career.

The way I see things right now in my life are so alien to me, I can hardly believe it's me. I have always wanted to do something constructive with my life but there was never a clear path to an actual reality. I can't say for sure what kind of job awaits me on the other side of the door. What I do know is that whatever awaits me, it will be something that I want to do, instead of something I might be able to do.

So what I have come to realize is that it's much better to be in the position of having a choice in what you do, rather than having the choice define what you can do. I have also learned that just because you choose to do one thing it doesn't mean you can't do something else at the same time. More on that to come.