What makes something simple seem like the world is going to crash in around you?

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the new year. It wasn't until just after the first and my birthday, which is on the fifth of January, that I began to realize that having back surgery could have done more harm than good. Ironically it was on my birthday that I had my first appointment with my surgeon since the procedure. I like the way that sounds, people don't have surgeries anymore, and the last time I heard the word operation was on TV or someone talking about that game, either way, that term seems to have been used so much that it has gone the way of cheap polyester suits.

It makes you wonder why we even call surgeons, surgeons when all they seem to do any more is one procedure after the other. Just as many doctors have become over paid Rn's, or Rn's should be doctors. I think my new word for 2010 is going to be proceedoralist. I am not normally this skeptical of Dr.'s, but mine is either so confident or just doesn't care how tight his schedule is. Please don't get me wrong, my psychiatrist will stay late and make sure everyone of his patients is seen on the day of their appointment. However, if one of his patients needs him, he will make sure that they receive the proper amount of time you need, and his staff is very good about keeping you updated on what's going on. Of course there may be some days you don't need the extra time and he seems to have a real talent for keeping things in balance.

Whereas on the morning of my procedure, my Dr. forgot all about coming into the little room where the Dr. can meet with your family and brief them on how things went, and when and where they can go once you're out of the recovery room. Not only did he just go from working on me, to going on to his next procedure, by the time my family found out what room I would be staying in, I was still in recovery and my side of the room was a mess. I guess the nurses were never informed that I was being admitted. Apparently the patient and his wife that had had that room to themselves didn't know either, which made for an even more awkward situation.

By the time I got settled in and had been listening in on the conversation going on around me, I started to realize I was going to be in for a long night. The man who lay in the bed across from me was battling cancer, and his wife was a real inspiration to humanity. Here she was not taller than five feet, yet she had already had a heart attack, had stints put in her main arteries, broken bones in her hand and her ankle, and even quit smoking after 50 plus years. Now she was taking care of her dieing husband, at the same time she lived on three acres of land, most of which had to be cut with a riding mower. She told us how she started her gas engine blower by putting it in a vice and from underneath, she was able to pull the cord to start the blasted thing.

So when the little things start to take a hold of me, I will think of her and the others like her. The worst of all though, and this is one I have no one to look to for inspiration, and that is when I think of what will my life be like when I'm the one lying in the bed as an adult baby that can no longer do anything for myself. It is bad enough that I could be looking at having permanent damage to my left foot. Or that when it comes to me and finding any kind of meaningful relationship. Then when you try and concentrate on a simple task like making it to your physical therapy on time, and you can't even do that, which is actually quite important, you can't help but see the world crashing in upon you. Yet some how you never stop looking for that silver lining. If not, there would be no point in writing in this blog.

I never thought I would have these feelings.

I must do a little background about myself for this entry to make sense. Imagine you are in school, it doesn't matter what year or the subject matter, all that matters to you is when will this ever end. Ever since you were a child you gave whomever was responsible for you a never ending battle in getting you to school and another one when it came time to do your homework. It wasn't that you couldn't learn, in reality, most of your friends that spent many long hours studying and trying to get the highest possible grades they could get. Whereas you could spend half that time studying and get the highest grades if you wanted to, however; you only put in just enough time to get a passing grade, with the exception of certain topics which came so easy to you, that you could rest assured that your grades would always be in the 95%-100 % range.

Now several years have gone buy and I find myself back in school. At first I take a single class just to get back in the swing of things. Then it's summer and I decide to take a class in a subject that I know enough about, that even though it's a 4 week class I decide to take it anyway. And I am happy to say that both of my grades turn out to be A's, so come this Fall Semester I decide it's time to take on a full load. Now on paper it says I am taking a total of 14 credit hours, 12 - 15 is considered full time, however, the way in which my schedule works is a bit wonkers. Mondays and Wednesdays are my full term classes, first class starts 08:00 - 12:30, and my second class meets at 19:00 - 20:15. On Thursdays I only have one class which begins at 16:00 - 22:30. This is a mini term class, or half semester, which is about 8 weeks, then my second mini term will start on the 13th of October.

I hope this demonstrates that my feelings towards school have changed. So much so one would be correct in saying that I've had a complete turnabout. No longer do I dread the idea of going to school, even on those Wednesday mornings when the night before I might have only had a few hours sleep. The way I feel right now is something I never thought I would ever feel. The idea of me not getting better than passing grades terrifies me. I have never studied like this in my entire scholastic career.

The way I see things right now in my life are so alien to me, I can hardly believe it's me. I have always wanted to do something constructive with my life but there was never a clear path to an actual reality. I can't say for sure what kind of job awaits me on the other side of the door. What I do know is that whatever awaits me, it will be something that I want to do, instead of something I might be able to do.

So what I have come to realize is that it's much better to be in the position of having a choice in what you do, rather than having the choice define what you can do. I have also learned that just because you choose to do one thing it doesn't mean you can't do something else at the same time. More on that to come.