What makes something simple seem like the world is going to crash in around you?

I have been doing a lot of thinking since the new year. It wasn't until just after the first and my birthday, which is on the fifth of January, that I began to realize that having back surgery could have done more harm than good. Ironically it was on my birthday that I had my first appointment with my surgeon since the procedure. I like the way that sounds, people don't have surgeries anymore, and the last time I heard the word operation was on TV or someone talking about that game, either way, that term seems to have been used so much that it has gone the way of cheap polyester suits.

It makes you wonder why we even call surgeons, surgeons when all they seem to do any more is one procedure after the other. Just as many doctors have become over paid Rn's, or Rn's should be doctors. I think my new word for 2010 is going to be proceedoralist. I am not normally this skeptical of Dr.'s, but mine is either so confident or just doesn't care how tight his schedule is. Please don't get me wrong, my psychiatrist will stay late and make sure everyone of his patients is seen on the day of their appointment. However, if one of his patients needs him, he will make sure that they receive the proper amount of time you need, and his staff is very good about keeping you updated on what's going on. Of course there may be some days you don't need the extra time and he seems to have a real talent for keeping things in balance.

Whereas on the morning of my procedure, my Dr. forgot all about coming into the little room where the Dr. can meet with your family and brief them on how things went, and when and where they can go once you're out of the recovery room. Not only did he just go from working on me, to going on to his next procedure, by the time my family found out what room I would be staying in, I was still in recovery and my side of the room was a mess. I guess the nurses were never informed that I was being admitted. Apparently the patient and his wife that had had that room to themselves didn't know either, which made for an even more awkward situation.

By the time I got settled in and had been listening in on the conversation going on around me, I started to realize I was going to be in for a long night. The man who lay in the bed across from me was battling cancer, and his wife was a real inspiration to humanity. Here she was not taller than five feet, yet she had already had a heart attack, had stints put in her main arteries, broken bones in her hand and her ankle, and even quit smoking after 50 plus years. Now she was taking care of her dieing husband, at the same time she lived on three acres of land, most of which had to be cut with a riding mower. She told us how she started her gas engine blower by putting it in a vice and from underneath, she was able to pull the cord to start the blasted thing.

So when the little things start to take a hold of me, I will think of her and the others like her. The worst of all though, and this is one I have no one to look to for inspiration, and that is when I think of what will my life be like when I'm the one lying in the bed as an adult baby that can no longer do anything for myself. It is bad enough that I could be looking at having permanent damage to my left foot. Or that when it comes to me and finding any kind of meaningful relationship. Then when you try and concentrate on a simple task like making it to your physical therapy on time, and you can't even do that, which is actually quite important, you can't help but see the world crashing in upon you. Yet some how you never stop looking for that silver lining. If not, there would be no point in writing in this blog.

Taking It All In Stride

I wish I could say that everything in my life was as well off as I had hoped it to be just a few months past. I also wish that I was writing about next years trip to San Diego and all the great times I had to look forward to. Unfortunately life has thrown an obstacle before me that I can't just push aside like a pebble under toe. It is more like an earthquake has shaken the foundation of my being and I'm surrounded by the fallen stones from an ancient metropolitan city. I have all the basic need of human existence to get me by and a few modern conveniences as well.

The problem isn't whether I can keep the elements off my fragile human existence, nor am I afraid of what goes bump in the night. What scares me the most is how life is going on around me and for some unknown reason I'm taking it all in stride. The person for whom I've known all my life is looking back at himself and wondering what happened to the man walking into the dismal, lifeless state of melancholy. Why hasn't the light begun to dim and the walls built up around me. Where are the single minded thoughts, the fight to make things right in the world.

Is it possible that I have come to the fork in the road where I know by now that all storms come and go. Or is this where I realize a storm is forever on the horizon. Or is the point in my life where I decide what is worth fighting for and what is better left alone. Is this when I look at today instead of tomorrow and leave the flights of fancy to the young at heart and concentrate on what it takes to get from point a to b to c without wondering off to points x,y and z?

Less Than Two Weeks Until Comic Con 2009

It is now less than two weeks away from the big event. I have gone over everything so many times I think I am driving myself to the edge of sanity. I suppose in many ways this is an act of a lunatic. Either that or someone that is so dedicated to an idea that pragmatic thought is no longer a consideration. I know that it's not a manic obsession, even when looking from the outside it certainly has the earmarks of such behavior when one looks at my long list of manic endeavors.

However, as the one who's living and breathing this quest of sorts, I know the subtle differences in previous manic follies, whereas this time the situation is quite different. As someone with a mind that is accustomed to the merry-go-round life for all of whom carry the deviant gene that sends a jaded code to our synaptic nerves, no larger than a pen head and as fast as the speed of light. Never before have I been more lucid as to what my goal is and to what means it will take. Never before have I known that what I know to be a dream is just that. Clouded my eyes with delusions I fear not, for I know that what I seek to accomplish is a goal that is not one of succeeding or failing. It is my personal project which I know will be better than some and not as good as others. But it will be of my doing and it will be if all things a test of my ability to take an idea and see it to its completion and that is why I know that this is not just another manic tangent that have so often caused such a pain that the scars are still mending.

Now I just have to prepare before I leave to San Diego, by making sure that all my equipment is packed and set to go. Take a deep breath and allow my mind to rest for the days to come. The last leg of this journey now lies in the hands of those who have already agreed to grant me a few minutes of their time for my planned interviews. The rest will be up to me to get the interviews and footage that will makeup the rest of this documentary. And when the dust settles I can leave downtown San Diego for what will be the rest of my vacation. Two weeks of sleeping on my sisters couch and getting a chance to spend some much awaited time with my niece and nephew. Who I miss dearly and truly and love with all of my heart and soul.