First Day After Back Treatmeant.

On Thursday Dec the 3rd I went to the hospital for an outpatient procedure where I was given several shots in my lower back in order to ease the chronic pain I have been having for close to a year now. I know there's some fancy medical terminology for the procedure I had, but it's easier for me to just explain what they did. Besides if you have never had this done then me telling you some medical mumbo jumbo would be as effective as someone trying to talk to me in any language besides English. Which in its self is a said thing to admit to, but that's a whole other discussion.

Anyway, the idea behind giving me these, what I believe are called targeted shots. That is the Dr. first looks at an MRI of my back and then decides where he's going to try and inject some kind of steroid, I believe they use cortisone, in what he claims to be key areas of my back in order to see if it will have any kind of affect on the pain in my back. Of course I didn't think about it at the time, but I soon realized that while I was ling on my back, the thought entered my mind, how exactly was he going to know where to put that needle. Well it turns out that there is this rather large x-ray machine hanging over my back and this was his means of guiding the needle into the various places that he shot the cortisone into my lower back.

Well the procedure was only about two to three minutes long, however; once the pain medication kicked in, which wasn't until about thirty minutes after the procedure, did I fall into my bed and slept for nearly the rest of the day. Even though the I was dead to the world, the pain from the shots slowly began to make their way to my conscious mind. Which at first it wasn't so bad, but by the middle of last night or early this morning my entire back was so sore I didn't think I would make it through the night.

Well as it is going on twenty minutes past 10:00 am CST USA, I am finding it quite difficult to write this, which is frustrating because I wanted to talk more about what led me to even seeing an orthopedic surgeon in the first place. Anyway I hope that as the days go on I will be able to finish my writing and post more information on how things turn out. I also want to continue with my writings about my headache and discuss more about my feelings and thoughts on mental issues. And maybe even talk about some more positive things, however, at this moment I am about to pass out from the pain, or at least try and find a more comfortable position to be in. If anyone cares to share their stories on this subject, or have any suggestions as to what might have worked for your back pain, please leave a comment and I'll try to get back with anyone that does or just has a question as soon as I can.

MyLot New Blog Site Plus New Name and Topic.

I found a new site called MyLot, some of you may have heard of it. I was looking for a place where I could write a new blog specifically on my knowledge of mental illness and how it affects you and the people in your life. So if anyone is interested in reading about my experiences with bipolar and mental illness in general I will be writing under the name, or title, UpDownAndallAround. Just click on this link Bobby's Bipolar Life and it should take you to where my new blog is. Of course it may take a few days for me to post something, so please give me a few days and I'll have a nice long post to start things off with. I also want to point out that I do have a Twitter acct. but I just haven't had a chance to get it posted. My twitter ID is arachnidlover which I will have a widget up here pretty soon to cover that but feel free to add me and I'll add you back, just let me know about your status here at Blogger World, and you can also see me profile at MyBlogLog also. Well Just so you know, I won't be totally alone while writing my new blog. I will always have my good buds the looney toons to keep me thinking positive thoughts. My favorite character is Marvin the Martin. I especially love to watch the cartoon series with Donald Duck and Porky the Pig called Duck Dodgers where and they are always getting into it with my good friend Marvin and his faithful pet dog, who is aptly named, K9.

Taking It All In Stride

I wish I could say that everything in my life was as well off as I had hoped it to be just a few months past. I also wish that I was writing about next years trip to San Diego and all the great times I had to look forward to. Unfortunately life has thrown an obstacle before me that I can't just push aside like a pebble under toe. It is more like an earthquake has shaken the foundation of my being and I'm surrounded by the fallen stones from an ancient metropolitan city. I have all the basic need of human existence to get me by and a few modern conveniences as well.

The problem isn't whether I can keep the elements off my fragile human existence, nor am I afraid of what goes bump in the night. What scares me the most is how life is going on around me and for some unknown reason I'm taking it all in stride. The person for whom I've known all my life is looking back at himself and wondering what happened to the man walking into the dismal, lifeless state of melancholy. Why hasn't the light begun to dim and the walls built up around me. Where are the single minded thoughts, the fight to make things right in the world.

Is it possible that I have come to the fork in the road where I know by now that all storms come and go. Or is this where I realize a storm is forever on the horizon. Or is the point in my life where I decide what is worth fighting for and what is better left alone. Is this when I look at today instead of tomorrow and leave the flights of fancy to the young at heart and concentrate on what it takes to get from point a to b to c without wondering off to points x,y and z?

What is CBT?

I recently watched a video on how to be a better fighter last night. Actually it was more like early this morning, I had one of those sleepless nights that I really didn't need but at least this time it was more productive and informative then the many times before. I can not say for sure that it is a sign that I am in a manic cycle or rapid cycling, which would be much worse, however; what it did remind me of was something I learned some time ago, something that I can honestly say saved my life. What I am talking about is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

Primarily used to treat people with depression and other chemical imbalanced disorders, CBT is in my opinion the most effective tool anyone can learn to use to make them a better person and a happier one, too. However I also believe that cognitive behavioral therapy in my opinion is incorrectly named. What I mean by that is if you look at how the word therapy is viewed by most people, then you would think that only a person with a title or credentials can teach or be learned by, however; that is not entirely true, in fact there is a book titled, "The Idiots Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" that anyone who can read and takes the time to practice the tools that the book outlines in a simplistic yet structured way, then I would hypothesize instead of using the word therapy, it would be more logical to name it, Cognitive Behavioral Awareness.

The basis for my reasoning is that once you learn how the tools and theory behind CBT works, then it becomes a way of life. In theory at the least and possibly in reality, once a person uses what they have learned, they become a different person all together. Or more so they're personality will change to the point that anyone who knows them will see behavioral changes that will have many tangible affects. You may lose people you thought were your friends, but in reality were enabling in some form or fashion, while in all likelihood for every bad person in you're live you will meet or even change twice the number you had before. Now I can not say this is what will happen, I lost my marriage and although I eventually did make new friends, I can not say that is quit the same as it was before moving to where I live now. Of course this is my own doing and I do have more friends now than when I first moved here, and now that I am in school I am making new friends. However with my illness and current physical problems, I can contest that I am not an easy person to get close to.

So what is this CBT? First off it is not your normal therapy where you go to a shrink and talk about your feelings. It is actually quite the opposite. For one, it is a way of life that you must learn, which means you must un-learn your old ways in order for it to work. The first thing you learn is that you have boundaries, kind of like invisible walls that are there to protect you. It's not that you don't know about them, it's really more about understanding how to set them and keep them in place 24/7. Now there are too many tools and techniques for me to put in a single blog, e. g. that's where the therapist or a book come into play. Yes I did say therapist, contrary to what I previously said some people need a trained therapist that can teach you and there are group therapist that are just affective. Even if you were to buy a book on the subject i.e. the Dummies Guide or some other book that is a how to, but not an academic book, that would only bore you and most likely confuse you. No the academic books are for the therapist who first learn the theory, then they have to intern with someone until they get to the point where they can fly solo. Just like every other field some are better than others, so make sure you get one that is able to teach you even if you don't like them. The point of learning CBT is to learn that you are responsible for how others treat you, as well as how you should treat others. Yes I know it sounds absurd that you have the ability to control how you are being treated but it is the truth and essential, because the other side of that coin is how you treat people.

Think of it this way. Say your a woman and a man gets within a meter which is a little over three feet, at what point were you aware of his presence? And for that matter it really doesn't matter if your woman and the other person is a man or a woman and visa versa, the point is how are you going to treat them within the first boundary of physical space. Because how you treat them will determine more that half of the way they will treat you. And every second thereafter will be the difference in a positive encounter or a negative one. This applies even more so to those you know. If your significant other walks into the room with a look that you know is going to lead into some kind of fight or negative energy, how do you react to diffuse the situation to a comfortable level? Well there are many tools you can use in this situation, some are common and some will be unique the person and your relationship. It could be as simple as "hello love, you look upset, lets sit down and talk about it over a cup of coffee", or something along those lines. What you did there was show empathy and a willingness to talk or even just listen. There are certain rules that work with some people and others for the rest. The idea is that you learn to become aware of your own self and how you react or what your triggers are, also known as cognitive awareness. The more you learn about yourself the more you learn about other people, which is also known as behavioral awareness. Put the two together and over time you will find life is a little easier than it was.

I hope this post was as helpful for anyone who reads if. I know it has helped me realize that I haven't been tuned into my CB skills as of late, which for me can be a dangerous thing. I would like to hear any thoughts on what you thought about what I wrote and would anyone be interested in me writing a blog on bipolar disorder and how it has affected my life and the lives of my family and friends.

PS I would like to thank Julia, Meghan, and Mary from TMI weekly and their guest Sarah Harrison from Tango.com for inspiring me to write this, and as a courtesy I am adding a link to the video, so please take the time and watch the video that inspired this post. Thank you.

TMI weekly How to Fight Better

RE-Less Than Two Weeks Until Comic Con 2009

Liefs been a bit of a whirlwind as of late so the documentary on ComicCon has been put on the back burner. I will be sending out some raw footage to people that have asked, I had really wanted to tweak it up a bit so it looks and sounds its best. I do know that some of the people I'll be sending it to can do that sort of work themselves, maybe better than me.

As far as when I'll get a chance to work on it as a whole, I think my best chance is in-between Fall and Spring semesters. Read my previous post and it's quite clear why things have been so topsy turvy. Hopefully I'll post a small clip in the near future to this blog. Or perhaps a slide show some still images.

I never thought I would have these feelings.

I must do a little background about myself for this entry to make sense. Imagine you are in school, it doesn't matter what year or the subject matter, all that matters to you is when will this ever end. Ever since you were a child you gave whomever was responsible for you a never ending battle in getting you to school and another one when it came time to do your homework. It wasn't that you couldn't learn, in reality, most of your friends that spent many long hours studying and trying to get the highest possible grades they could get. Whereas you could spend half that time studying and get the highest grades if you wanted to, however; you only put in just enough time to get a passing grade, with the exception of certain topics which came so easy to you, that you could rest assured that your grades would always be in the 95%-100 % range.

Now several years have gone buy and I find myself back in school. At first I take a single class just to get back in the swing of things. Then it's summer and I decide to take a class in a subject that I know enough about, that even though it's a 4 week class I decide to take it anyway. And I am happy to say that both of my grades turn out to be A's, so come this Fall Semester I decide it's time to take on a full load. Now on paper it says I am taking a total of 14 credit hours, 12 - 15 is considered full time, however, the way in which my schedule works is a bit wonkers. Mondays and Wednesdays are my full term classes, first class starts 08:00 - 12:30, and my second class meets at 19:00 - 20:15. On Thursdays I only have one class which begins at 16:00 - 22:30. This is a mini term class, or half semester, which is about 8 weeks, then my second mini term will start on the 13th of October.

I hope this demonstrates that my feelings towards school have changed. So much so one would be correct in saying that I've had a complete turnabout. No longer do I dread the idea of going to school, even on those Wednesday mornings when the night before I might have only had a few hours sleep. The way I feel right now is something I never thought I would ever feel. The idea of me not getting better than passing grades terrifies me. I have never studied like this in my entire scholastic career.

The way I see things right now in my life are so alien to me, I can hardly believe it's me. I have always wanted to do something constructive with my life but there was never a clear path to an actual reality. I can't say for sure what kind of job awaits me on the other side of the door. What I do know is that whatever awaits me, it will be something that I want to do, instead of something I might be able to do.

So what I have come to realize is that it's much better to be in the position of having a choice in what you do, rather than having the choice define what you can do. I have also learned that just because you choose to do one thing it doesn't mean you can't do something else at the same time. More on that to come.

Less Than Two Weeks Until Comic Con 2009

It is now less than two weeks away from the big event. I have gone over everything so many times I think I am driving myself to the edge of sanity. I suppose in many ways this is an act of a lunatic. Either that or someone that is so dedicated to an idea that pragmatic thought is no longer a consideration. I know that it's not a manic obsession, even when looking from the outside it certainly has the earmarks of such behavior when one looks at my long list of manic endeavors.

However, as the one who's living and breathing this quest of sorts, I know the subtle differences in previous manic follies, whereas this time the situation is quite different. As someone with a mind that is accustomed to the merry-go-round life for all of whom carry the deviant gene that sends a jaded code to our synaptic nerves, no larger than a pen head and as fast as the speed of light. Never before have I been more lucid as to what my goal is and to what means it will take. Never before have I known that what I know to be a dream is just that. Clouded my eyes with delusions I fear not, for I know that what I seek to accomplish is a goal that is not one of succeeding or failing. It is my personal project which I know will be better than some and not as good as others. But it will be of my doing and it will be if all things a test of my ability to take an idea and see it to its completion and that is why I know that this is not just another manic tangent that have so often caused such a pain that the scars are still mending.

Now I just have to prepare before I leave to San Diego, by making sure that all my equipment is packed and set to go. Take a deep breath and allow my mind to rest for the days to come. The last leg of this journey now lies in the hands of those who have already agreed to grant me a few minutes of their time for my planned interviews. The rest will be up to me to get the interviews and footage that will makeup the rest of this documentary. And when the dust settles I can leave downtown San Diego for what will be the rest of my vacation. Two weeks of sleeping on my sisters couch and getting a chance to spend some much awaited time with my niece and nephew. Who I miss dearly and truly and love with all of my heart and soul.

All eyes on San Diego

Earlier tonight I took my final for my mini semester course in computer electronics. It's actually a two part course, the first four weeks are learning the hardware side of computers, while the second term focuses on the programing side. Not the kind of programming you so often hear of, rather the machine language, actually learning machine language. Which is where you learn the language of zeros and ones. As much as I would have liked to have put in another four weeks of school, I would have to say going to San Diego, and Comic Con were all plans made far in advance.

I just can't believe how close it is to the big event. I'll actually arriving on Saturday the 18th just four days before the madness and mayhem begins. Quite honestly I wish I had some kind of exoskeleton suit right out of some Anime or Manga world. I believe one of the first type of suits, which I just heard the Japanese have somehow replicated its basic design, was based on the Manga series called Gundam Seed.

Even though I am filming a documentary which has no pre-written script or actors and all the other aspects of a fictional film. One has to keep in mind this is Comic Con and though I don't have a storyboard guiding my direction I do have the experiance of being part of this event twice before as a volonteer, not to mention I once lived and worked in San Diego. I also have thought about doing just this for so long now I have dreams about it. Then there will be the mighty fans who will dress in character, almost taking on the part of whom ever they might be emulating, to a point where a savy director and crew could cast a real motion picture with the fans as the real stars.

I suppose that is part of what I hope to take away from this documentary. An adlibed oasis of well dressed characters with a great pasion for what will be their most charesed memories, at least I hope so. I remember the first time I walked through those magical doors of what is the San Diego Comic Con my life changed forever. I just hope that I can come within a fraction of how I felt and bring it to those who were there and to those around the world that have access to a computer. I have no delusions of grandure, my greatest achievment would be if It were to be screned at a future Comic Con, otherwise I plan to share my story with the world.

Where did I get the idea for my documentary, you ask.

A lot of people have been asking me what is my documentary about and I have tried my best to give some semblance of where I am coming from, however; what I have not done and perhaps it is time I explained a bit more as to why I am so hungry to give a voice to someone I am not. Better said, I am not a young woman or any form of the female gender, so why would I want to devote so much time trying to document a womans role in an industry that for many years was about providing a media format directly aimed at young boys and even to some extent men as their primary audience. An industry born out of the depression and W.W. I.I. which now is one of the leading forms of revenue for much of the entertainment industry.

So if you ask me what is my motivation for my documentary and how did I decide on the subject matter, the answer is quite simple; as a fan of comics and their related genre, I want to prove that my hypothesis is true. I also want to give credit where credit is due, I don't have to be a woman to see that if it were not for an increase in female fans, artist and a change in the way the industry sees its audience, to know that this documentary needs to be made. Because sometimes when someone looks in from the outside they don't see what's going on.

They might only see a person dressed in a costume or a line of people 500 deep and think what a bunch of geeks. And in many cases those people will proudly proclaim their geekyness as they wait to volunteer for an event that will change their lives. Because it doesn't matter if you are a volunteer, a paid attendee, a vendor, a guest speaker or the head of a major studio, Comics and Comic Con will forever change the way you look at life. I suppose that is one of the reasons that I came upon the theme for my documentary.

It was during the summer of 2001 when I had the opportunity to work at Comic Con that I noticed something amazing. Here was a group of people from all walks of life that despite everything else about them, they held one common thread that pulled them together. It wasn't just the fact that they were comic fans, it was much deeper. What held them together was the fact that this was their convention and they new it was up to them to set the tone for where their characters were headed. They knew this was the one time they could either sit down and talk to a young artist and tell them how they felt a comic should look and feel or they would go and listen to the various panels and when it was their turn to stand at that microphone, never did a vague question did I hear. They knew who had drawn what characters and who had given them their words. However there was one exception that I would not realize for several more years. What I learned and observed the next time I went to Comic Con, which was only six years later, where I volunteered for Comic Con, 2007.

This time the attendees were nearly 6o-40 male to female and I could actually say that it really seemed more closely to a 50/50 split. The number of paid female models was considerably smaller and as far as I could tell there wasn't the large signing area for what had been in the previous convention, a place for celebrities from Sci-Fi shows etc . . ., yet it was mostly models from a well known magazine along with other glamor models that had little to do with the convention signing their 8x10's. To my pleasant surprise I also met quite a few female artist and began to see that there was a change to the comic industry. So the next year I went to an enogural comic convention in Birmingham, AL. and found that it was very much the same. Of course the size was miniscule in comparison but the spirit was much the same.

Also sense doing my research for this project I have found more and more evidence that women are no longer playing a back seat role in the industry. Whether it be a fan or an artist, women are becoming equal to the various genres that draw a half a million people to San Diego to either share their craft or be apart of something that is becoming a major part of popculture in this country. I don't think I need to name names but for some of the all time great comic character creators, they had their vision for many years and now it is up to the next generation to step up and either redfine or create the new characters for the 21st century. Believe it or not, the men who read comics are just as hungry for dynamic characters both male and female or alien. It's no longer exceptable for many readers to have the iconic hero and dutiful herion. Well I am not going to buy a comic where the only strong women are villians and even if they are, I want to see some humanity in them, if only for a brief moment.

The planing of a documentary

I guess this whole documentary thing is now filling most of my thoughts. Hopefully I will get to interview a local girl that is not only a comic fan but an aspiring artist as well. If things go well I will have a sneak peak at what the feel of the documentary will be like plus I am thinking that I will start shooting some behind the scenes footage as well. I want to document just what I have been doing to get ready for this event and all the equipment I have bought. Like today I purchased a portable flash based recording device along with some other recording gear. I was actually surprised to find this device because it wasn't where I would have normally looked from the place where I buy all my sound equipment from. As it turns out I was able to get an eight track recorder and mic mixer for a little over $200.

Anyway things are beginning to look like this is going to work. I still wish I had more help but in someways being a maverick has its advantages. If you have too big of a crew in a jam packed space like the Comic Con convention then things can work against you. It's my goal to get a lot of small interviews along with intermittent footage that shows just how big this event is. There are a lot of things that will be going on during this convention and I want to try and catch some of the things that set San Diego Comic Con apart from other comic book conventions. Show why out of all the conventions, this is the one that has the greatest impact on the industry and its fans.

I didn't get a lot accomplished today including walking I had planed to do. I can blame the weather for keeping me inside but besides that there isn't an excuse for me lolling about all day. I have been following the hits on Tweeter on Comic Con and Comics and I am happy to see that there are just as many women, if not more, tweeting about how excited they are about comic con or what comics they are reading. I realize this isn't exactly a controlled survey but it does lead me to believe that my feelings about the subject matter for my documentary are correct.

I don't want to produce something that comes off looking like I took my theory and forced it into some kind of pre made mold and the characters come off looking more like actors than real people. Then again this documentary isn't about me walking around Comic Con and reading from some kind of script. The idea is to get an idea of how other people feel about the continuing evolution of comics and even video games that are either based on comics or have comics based on the creation of a video game. How do movies differ from comics and do they bring new readers into comic book stores.

Hopefully I will get some of these questions answered and many more brought to the forfront of peoples minds. I don't know if I will ever get the funding to have this transfered to film so I can submit it to some of the better known film festivals but I will try and get the people at Comic Con to consider it as well as some other local festivals where I live. Oh well, I should call it a night and get ready for tomorrow. Time is ticking and it's not going to slow down.

Time To Get in Gear.

I recently bought four cheap D rings, the kind they sell for key rings and other such uses, not the kind you would trust to hold your weight while climbing a mountain. No I needed something to help me attach the belts to my camera stabilizer. I hate it when you have to make a hack for something that the manufacture should have done correctly in the first place. Anyway I can now unatach my stabilizer harness with ease. That is one less thing to worry about before I get ready for Comic Con.

I also read Love and Murder, which is a two part graphic novel about Wonder Woman, written by the New York Times best-selling author Jodi Picoult. As a person who is more familiar with Marvel comics a friend suggested that I read this story because they felt it would be a good example of what I am trying to address in my documentary. I have to say she was spot on, and I hope she will afford me the opportunity to get an interview before I leave for San Diego.

What I found so interesting about this particular story is how in depth the female characters were in their perspective roles. The writer, and maybe it's because she's a woman or it's just her style, puts you inside the main character and builds a world that is as real as the one we live in. The metaphors for being a supper hero or in the case of two of the characters in this story who both happen to have the ability change their outward appearance, well, it starts to reinforce my own opinion that many of the comics we read today are more than meet the eye. They are reflections of the world around us and a way for some stories to be told without political reprisal.

Getting ready for Comic Con

It's hard to believe that the day I have been waiting for is within a few weeks. This time last year I was ready to embark on the very same journey. A lot has happened in a years time. Last year my trip was interrupted by my fathers sudden complications with his heart. For no apparent reason he would have these strange palpitations, which seeing that he had already had a pacemaker inserted over a year earlier, that should have taken care of the problem. As fate would have it, his cardiologist happened to ask him what his fluid intake was. Well as long as I have known my dad he is one of those people that can go all day on a cup of coffee and not eat all day. So on Dr's orders he began drinking at least a liter of fluid a day and suddenly the symptoms went away.

So after the Christmas holiday I start planning for Comic Con, seeing that I have a canceled airline ticket that had to be booked within a year of its purchase date, which I didn't want to miss. At this point we, my parents and I, were contemplating the idea of going to San Diego together. Which at the time seemed like a good idea. That was until about a month or so ago when my sister called to tell us that my brother-n-law had cancer. I won't say what kind but it is very common in men. Well like the trooper my sister is she didn't feel it would be worth canceling, which quite honestly I had no plans on because I could have found a place to stay. Anyway her husband had surgery and they were able to remove most if not all the tumor.

So now it's just down to getting my gear ready and hopefully things will fall into place. Actually I went to my local comic book store tonight and talked to some of the people there about my documentary and they thought it was a good idea. In fact one of the girls who I hope to pre interview gave me the idea of reading the Wonder Woman Series written by Jodi Picoult 'Love and Murder'. I have to say it is a really good example of how women are changing comics as well as how it iterates my opinion that comics are a reflection of American culter just as Manga is a reflection of Japanese culuture.

Well it's a quarter past midnight CST and I have school tomorrow afternoon so I can't pull an all nighter. Hopefully I will keep this blog up-to-date so people interested in my documentary can read about my progress and maybe I'll even get some video on here that shows some preliminary footage before I head to Cali.

It's been a long time since I said something.

Well I started this blog with the full intention of posting something at least once a week. Of course if you know my habits or shall I say the lack there of, I fell pretty good that I haven't totally given up on this crazy idea. That would be crazy with a capital 'K' as in crazy as a Koo Koo Clock.

I'm not one for hiding the fact that I am bipolar, however, I really don't know if I can use that as a sheild to hide behind for not staying the course. Actually in all likelyhood my little chemical embalence is partially to blame but then there is my own method to my madness. I just haven't figured out what it is exactly but I do find myself coming back to most of my unfinished tangents sooner or later.

I guess the real irony in this particular journey is how my pragmatic self sees this as a waste of time, whereas, my sparatic self sees this as a test of many sorts for which I have no logical explanation. Or at least any atempt in me trying to explain what I am thinking for all the world to see, even if no one ever visits this lonsome place, I am not about to hang my inner thoughts about as I might do so in the comfort of my room.